Sometimes being a content creator is just full of it all.

Maybe it’s the bipolar. Maybe it’s the ADHD. Maybe it’s just me. But I’ve been feeling like I will never get to where I want to be even though just doing it is an achievement on its own. I’ve been streaming for 2 years now, I’ve been stagnant. In fact I’m just now getting to the point where I can finally get a payout. After. 2. Years. I blogged for years before this and there was a time where my voice was heard. Now I’m questioning that. I love what I do, and I would give my right foot to do this full-time, but it’s just not feasible, and I think that’s the frustration of it all.

Then on the flip side, when something goes well, where I think I’m finally getting seen, I’m here like “wait a minute, when’s the shoe going to drop?” There is no shoe to drop, but it seems like there is. Even if there is a shoe to drop, it’s such a small thing that shouldn’t bother me. But it does. Oh fuck yes, it does, and then I’m in this vicious cycle of “what do?”.

What do I do at this point? Do I keep going and hope things get better, or do I just quit while I’m ahead? Do I just say “fuck it”, or do I just sigh and roll with it? The feeling of being stagnant in anything I do is a self-esteem killer.

And I never had much of that in the first place.